Every report card I ever had as a child
"She's really clever, she just needs to apply herself"
But what does that even mean??
Last year
I could go for that job! Alongside my current job, I mean, not instead of...
No, maybe not...
Or maybe...
Nah...
Could I?
Nooo...
Ok yes, actually, I will, but now I only have 3 days to do the whole application!!!!
The following week
"We'd like to invite you to an interview!"
and also
"Here's your notice, you need to return your computer and any files immediately; you have two weeks gardening leave"
Two weeks after that
"We're not going to hire you for this position, but thank you for your application. You were a good candidate but you seemed a bit too focussed on supporting people at an individual level rather than as a group. Have you considered a career in counselling?"
No, but... (thinking) this job is pastoral care. Which is taking care of people's emotions. How on Earth would I do that by not focussing on individuals???
I spend the next 4 days sleeping on my friend's sofa because I didn't want to be alone. Then home, then get ready for my holiday, then life takes over, and it starts not being the most prominent thing in my mind.
Thus ensues 9 months of living in survival mode while my dreams rot on the vine.
April
"Hi, I'm your employment support coach, do you have any ideas what you would like to be doing?"
"I dunno, I have few possibilities... [this], or [this], or [this]... or someone did say, have you considered becoming a counsellor?"
May
"I've checked that counselling course out for you, and it's legit. Do you want to go for it?"
"I don't know if I can do an online only, remote learning course though... I know what I'm like, I'll get overwhelmed and panic and won't be able to pace myself correctly, and it'll all be a mess."
"That's what I'm here for, I can break all that down for you, don't worry."
June
"So, after all that palava with the admin woman about using my wrong name, I lost track of when it actually started, and we've already lost a week."
"Don't worry, you have bags of time. This is your study schedule. 3 days a week, you can do this."
One week later
"I got intimidated and didn't end up starting. This is a disaster, it's never going to work!"
"Send me your screenshots of the reading material, let me see how much there is, I'll have another look for you. ... You can still do it, but you will need to work every day."
"I'm going away, last minute, I don't know what the wifi will be like. ... I suppose I could take my laptop anyway?"
The next week
"Because I went away by myself, taking some work with me actually went really well! It was great to do some reading for an hour and then go for a swim. Since I've been back though, I've been really struggling to engage again. I even put on a 'study with me' video from YouTube, it didn't help!!"
"Is there somewhere else you could go and work, then, instead of your flat? Would working in the park give you the same kind of vibe you had on holiday?"
"Maybe, now you've printed all those notes out for me, thank you, but there isn't any power there, so I'll only have as long as the battery lasts. There is the library, I could try there, do you reckon they'd let me use their plugs?"
The next week after that
"I didn't like the library. The first day was ok, I was sitting downstairs, with my laptop and my printed notes, and my phone playing the 'study with me' video, but the second day there was a (probable) homeless person asleep a bit close to my table, but it's the only table downstairs, and there's a lot of background noise, but if I want to play my video, I guess I need that hubbub to cover it. But anyway, because of the guy asleep I had to leave early and I didn't get much done. So the third day I found my headphones, and I went to the big study table upstairs, but the library has one of those stupid hydraulic platform lifts that's terrible if you're afraid of heights, and then the big study table is right by all the floor to ceiling -- in fact, ground floor to 3rd floor -- windows, which also isn't good for people who are afraid of heights!! Even sitting with my back to the window didn't really help, since it's so big I can see it out of the corner of my eye! But anyway, yeah, I got some work done. I've got to do this demonstration of counselling skills though, either video recorded, or with a witness statement from somebody qualified, no idea how that's all going to work though, I'm not going to find anyone anywhere!!"
July
"Hey Tom, please can I borrow you for a bit sometime this week please?"
"It's an unequivocal yes, but I'm going to need some more information."
"Please can we roleplay like you're getting counselling and I'm counselling you?"
and also
"It's been great having you volunteer with us, Elizabeth, but I wonder if the time might have come to set it down? Concentrate on doing this counselling skills course, get established in that, and maybe come back to pick it up in a year or two? And in the meantime, if there's anything I can do to help you with that, not through the organisation, but just personally, do let me know and I'll be happy to."
"I agree, I think I should do one thing, and do it well, and maybe come back to this in the future. But thank you so much. Are you still qualified as a counsellor, or are you retired? Has your professional membership lapsed?"
"I have retired, my membership is valid for the time being but it runs out in August and I'm not going to renew it."
"In that case, yes, there is something you can do for me, please, but it will need to be before August. How about Wednesday?"
Friday July 12th
"Meal out with friends tonight, looking forward to it!! My deadline for the first two modules is technically tomorrow, but I want to get it done today so I can let my hair down tonight and then sleep in tomorrow. My plan is then to take a few days off and then start again mid-end of next week, don't want to rush the second half like I had to do at the end of the first half!"
Sunday July 14th
"When I realised I still had one question left to do when I had to leave the library on Friday, I thought I'd end up getting up early, going to Cathy's for prayer breakfast and then heading back to the library to finish off on Saturday day time, but I really really needed that opportunity to just stop and have a whole day of physical rest. So I made myself not think about it during daylight hours, because I knew the hustle would be on once it gets dark. Of course, it's only 2 weeks after the solstice, so it doesn't even get dark here until half past ten right now, but it was only one question, and I did need the rest. I mean, there were a few moments where I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but I thought, well, I also didn't think I would get to the point where I only had one question left in the due date either. There were so many times where I thought, yes, there are better ways to spend £100 than on late fees, but I am getting this whole course for free because it's government funded, so if I have to pay £100 to do the course in the time that suits me, well, then, that's not the worst thing in the world. Although once I'd paid it, I'd probably just keep putting it off and off and off, I've done that before. So really, it actually was yesterday or bust. But I never thought I'd get to the point where I only had one question left! Anyway, I did it, I answered the one question, and I checked all the others, and I pressed 'submit' with 10 minutes still to spare before midnight!! Go me!!"
The next week
"Ugh, I really wanted to make a strong start to the second half, but we had that meeting making a new plan, and then I went straight to babysitting, and I don't know if it's the weather, or if something came over me, or what, but I found it so much more emotionally exhausting than usual, so I couldn't use any of the down time to get any work done, and then I lost all the momentum we established when we went through things last week. And I can't even send you the screenshots, because I don't know how to get into the file...this is such a pain..."
"You've done a great job so far, and this is what I'm here for, to support you. We'll figure it out. Now, when are you going away again? I want to try to find a way to split it all up for you where you don't have to work while you're away if you don't want to."
"I don't know exactly, but I will definitely be taking my laptop with me, and working whilst I'm there. I'll block the actual weekend off for the group activities and not do anything, but the few days before and the few days after, I should be able to get some stuff done. It worked well last time. Also, let's go through the questions before we start, because last time I did get snagged on the ones I thought I would get snagged on, and doing the reading before I looked at the questions didn't help as much as you thought it would. Also also, can I do Unit 4 before I do Unit 3? It looks more interesting, but also, Unit 4 is more shorter bits of reading with more questions, whereas Unit 3 is more longer bits of reading. I know you don't want to overload me with the reading whilst I'm away, but I actually think that longer bits of reading will be easier, it's the questions that are the hard bit."
"Yes, we can look at the questions together now, it's not the way I would do it but I know that's how your brain works, so it's fine. Personally, I would recommend doing Unit 3 before Unit 4, they probably put them in that order for a reason, but you can do it either way if you like. I'll break it up like, this much work is one section, this much work is the next section, etc, and I think you'll have about 3 days to do each section, but you can do the sections in whatever order you want. Do you want a phone call to check in while you're away, or do you just want to email me if you need me?"
"I would have said 'yes, definitely phone me, because I won't do anything if you don't', when we first started, but I think I'll be ok with just emailing you if I need you, by now. I'll continue sending you an email with the answers to every question as I do them, well, the rough draft anyway, and that's also good for a backup in case of any problems, but you'll be able to see how much progress I'm making that way, and then we'll speak when I get back. I say speak, can we do a face to face meeting, please?"
"Yes, does the Monday work for you? Let's do early, so I know you're up and about and then you can crack on afterwards. And do you want a phonecall on the Friday before you submit?"
"Can you make it the Thursday? Then I still have the Friday to finish off any loose ends, but you'll still see where I'm up to."
August
"I started doing the reading for Unit 4, turns out after 6 pages it says "as you covered in Unit 3" so I guess I've got to go backwards anyway."
and also
"I've got to do some work tomorrow. Technically I'm working from home, but actually I'm working from here."
"I wouldn't want to disturb you, but I need to get some reading and studying done, so would you mind if we worked together, or, well, alongside each other, please?"
"Not at all, what are you studying?"
"I'm training to become a counsellor"
and also
(via email) "So, as I was doing the reading, I stopped and went back a step, and I just googled what 'underpins' actually even means. Because I knew I'd snag on that when it came to the questions. Turns out it doesn't just mean 'when the foundation has eroded and then something comes to fill it in to support the structure above so it doesn't collapse', it can also mean just, 'provides a firm foundation for the things above'. So the thing that is built off the firm foundation, that thing is also underpinned by the foundation, it's a different way of saying the same thing. Bit odd, but there you go. I'm glad I thought to do that, I probably wouldn't have thought to do that before, but now I don't think I'll snag on that word in the question."
A few days later
"This is the working table, if you want to eat lunch in this cafe, you'll have to go somewhere else, sorry."
"You're not sorry. *turns* But how long will you guys be around? I only have 2 more pages of reading and then I'll have finished this section, so I'll come and join you on another table in a few minutes? It'll be good to take a break, but then I do need to come back to it later." [Spoiler alert, she did not get back to it later.]
The next day
"I should be getting some more work done today, but I really want to just lay in the grass and read my book for a while, read an actual book because I want to, not just notes that I need to."
"Go lie on the grass then, you are on holiday, you can always do a bit more after lunch." [Spoiler alert, after lunch, she had a long nap.]
The day after that
"I really needed that day off yesterday, thanks for pushing me to take it. Get some more work done today now I'm more refreshed, and then home tomorrow and carry on later this week in the library, good plan."
Half an hour later
"Actually, big problem. In order to protect the laptop from the heat of the sun in the tent, I put it under the air mattress, and at some point I must have kneeled on it. Look at that screen."
"Oh. Yeah. You can't use that. What are you going to do?"
"I'll take it back to Curry's PC World when I get back home, I did get insurance on it. Nothing else I can do. In the meantime, I've still got my printed notes, I can do some reading still, and maybe take some notes in a rough draft for answering the questions later? Does anyone have any spare paper, please? ... Funny though, when I started this course, that would be a big disaster. Now it's just like, ugh, that's annoying, but I'll be fine."
Later that week
"Thanks for taking me to Curry's, I appreciate it."
"No problem, what did they say?"
"The insurance doesn't cover accidental damage."
"What?? Then what's the point of having insurance??"
"I know, right? They can fix it for £75+parts, but they didn't say how much the parts would be. Told them I'd think about it. Is there anywhere else I could try?"
"There's iFix."
Later that day
"iFix said £95 all in, should be done by Tuesday, I said sure. I'll just have to use a library computer until then."
"You're rather calm about all of this, you always used to make a drama out of a crisis."
This week
Monday
"I got distracted on the bus and forgot to get off, and then by the time I realised, I was too far away to know how to get back. I'll just have to stay on the bus until it turns round and comes back the other way. I can't even say I'm sorry, really, because that implies I'm going to change, and I am definitely going to end up getting distracted again at some point, I can't help it, although I'm sorry your time has been wasted. ... Ok, that was the longest bus journey known to man, and it turns out the bus didn't turn round exactly, it just got to the bus station and then stopped and I got kicked off, and then it, or another bus, will take the same route in the other direction in a bit. So I'll just get a different bus back to the library and then make a start from there. But in terms of getting me out and about and ready to start working, this meeting has still served it's purpose!"
and also
(texting my friends) "Writing about naturism in my assignments, and it's quite hot in here, I literally almost just took my shirt off without thinking about it. And I should be allowed to be naked, or topless, in the library, not just by moral principle but by law, and I would push it, but I've already had to ask the library for extra time on the computer today, and I might need to do it again tomorrow, so I don't want to get on their bad side." [Spoiler alert, I had to ask for extra time on the computer every day this week.]
"What does naturism have to do with training to become a counsellor??"
"Two things. One, one of the questions is 'outline your own values and beliefs.' That's because if you don't know your own beliefs really clearly, you're going to end up projecting yourself all over the client without meaning to, which means you won't hear what they have to say about themselves properly, and so you can't help them. And two, one of the other questions is from the diversity module and it's about when I've seen or experienced discrimination. So I told y'all about what my neighbours said, right? And when the police were called on me for not breaking the law? Etc. I then paired that with some discussion about discrimination within naturism, against single people, especially single men, and the unintended consequences of positive action to try to get more women involved. There's also that one guy who got found to be in contempt of court for appearing naked, even though as a philosophical belief, naturism is protected under the Equality Act of 2010, and so to my understanding, that was a mis-application of the law."
The rest of this week
-- but I'm really really tiiiiiiired!!
-- but my arm really huuuuuuurts!!
-- but I don't know what I'm doooooooooing!!
-- but I just plain don't waaaaaaanna!!
Pick a morning, pick an excuse. My inner 5 year old was definitely asserting herself at full brattish volume!!!
So I talk to her.
* Come on. You didn't come this far to only come this far!! [Some days, it helps to know that my whole life is at my own disposal, so I'd better start making some wise choices.]
* Come on. The LORD didn't bring you this far to only bring you this far!! [Some days, it helps to know that actually I'm not in the driving seat, I don't have to choose the destination, so there's no risk of choosing the wrong one.]
* I know you're struggling. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and then all these things shall be added unto you. Well, what is the kingdom of God? It is to bind up the broken hearted, to set the captives free, to proclaim recovery of sight to the blind, and to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour. I can do those things. That's exactly what my studying is intended to do, eventually, all of these things metaphorically, and sometimes literally, and what can be more noble than that?
* Remember when you thought you wouldn't even make it to the first deadline?? When you didn't think you'd even be able to start?? And now look at you!! You're on the final week!! And you only have 7 questions... 4 questions... 1 question... left to go!!! You can do this!!!!
* Just get dressed... Just put your shoes on... Just leave the house... Just go IN to the library... Just get a bit closer...
* You'll probably enjoy it when you get going...
* Or at least, you'll have got the part you didn't like out of the way!!! Then you'll never have to do that bit again!!
I tried different 'study with me' videos, but the most helpful was to just keep using the same one. I tried different seats/computers, but the most helpful was when I stayed with the same one (number 37, if you're interested). Far enough away from the window that I knew I wasn't going to fall out. Full view out, but when I can look out whenever I want, mostly, it's only for short snippets. [Also no worrying about an unauthorized wrecking ball coming in behind me!]
And then finally, finally,
finally, after inching along, painfully, excruciatingly slowly, and still stopping at times, finally...
YesterdayI submitted both assignments!
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ETA: my laptop is
still in for repairs, writing all this from my phone was hard, and between that and my deadline and the brain space it occupied, is why I haven't been replying to comments, sorry.
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