unmowngrass

The path is made by walking

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 16:47:51 GMT

Every report card I ever had as a child

"She's really clever, she just needs to apply herself"

But what does that even mean??

Last year

I could go for that job! Alongside my current job, I mean, not instead of...

No, maybe not...

Or maybe...

Nah...

Could I?

Nooo...

Ok yes, actually, I will, but now I only have 3 days to do the whole application!!!!

The following week

"We'd like to invite you to an interview!"

and also

"Here's your notice, you need to return your computer and any files immediately; you have two weeks gardening leave"

Two weeks after that

"We're not going to hire you for this position, but thank you for your application. You were a good candidate but you seemed a bit too focussed on supporting people at an individual level rather than as a group. Have you considered a career in counselling?"

No, but... (thinking) this job is pastoral care. Which is taking care of people's emotions. How on Earth would I do that by not focussing on individuals???

I spend the next 4 days sleeping on my friend's sofa because I didn't want to be alone. Then home, then get ready for my holiday, then life takes over, and it starts not being the most prominent thing in my mind.

Thus ensues 9 months of living in survival mode while my dreams rot on the vine.

April

"Hi, I'm your employment support coach, do you have any ideas what you would like to be doing?"

"I dunno, I have few possibilities... [this], or [this], or [this]... or someone did say, have you considered becoming a counsellor?"

May

"I've checked that counselling course out for you, and it's legit. Do you want to go for it?"

"I don't know if I can do an online only, remote learning course though... I know what I'm like, I'll get overwhelmed and panic and won't be able to pace myself correctly, and it'll all be a mess."

"That's what I'm here for, I can break all that down for you, don't worry."

June

"So, after all that palava with the admin woman about using my wrong name, I lost track of when it actually started, and we've already lost a week."

"Don't worry, you have bags of time. This is your study schedule. 3 days a week, you can do this."

One week later

"I got intimidated and didn't end up starting. This is a disaster, it's never going to work!"

"Send me your screenshots of the reading material, let me see how much there is, I'll have another look for you. ... You can still do it, but you will need to work every day."

"I'm going away, last minute, I don't know what the wifi will be like. ... I suppose I could take my laptop anyway?"

The next week

"Because I went away by myself, taking some work with me actually went really well! It was great to do some reading for an hour and then go for a swim. Since I've been back though, I've been really struggling to engage again. I even put on a 'study with me' video from YouTube, it didn't help!!"

"Is there somewhere else you could go and work, then, instead of your flat? Would working in the park give you the same kind of vibe you had on holiday?"

"Maybe, now you've printed all those notes out for me, thank you, but there isn't any power there, so I'll only have as long as the battery lasts. There is the library, I could try there, do you reckon they'd let me use their plugs?"

The next week after that

"I didn't like the library. The first day was ok, I was sitting downstairs, with my laptop and my printed notes, and my phone playing the 'study with me' video, but the second day there was a (probable) homeless person asleep a bit close to my table, but it's the only table downstairs, and there's a lot of background noise, but if I want to play my video, I guess I need that hubbub to cover it. But anyway, because of the guy asleep I had to leave early and I didn't get much done. So the third day I found my headphones, and I went to the big study table upstairs, but the library has one of those stupid hydraulic platform lifts that's terrible if you're afraid of heights, and then the big study table is right by all the floor to ceiling -- in fact, ground floor to 3rd floor -- windows, which also isn't good for people who are afraid of heights!! Even sitting with my back to the window didn't really help, since it's so big I can see it out of the corner of my eye! But anyway, yeah, I got some work done. I've got to do this demonstration of counselling skills though, either video recorded, or with a witness statement from somebody qualified, no idea how that's all going to work though, I'm not going to find anyone anywhere!!"

July

"Hey Tom, please can I borrow you for a bit sometime this week please?"

"It's an unequivocal yes, but I'm going to need some more information."

"Please can we roleplay like you're getting counselling and I'm counselling you?"

and also

"It's been great having you volunteer with us, Elizabeth, but I wonder if the time might have come to set it down? Concentrate on doing this counselling skills course, get established in that, and maybe come back to pick it up in a year or two? And in the meantime, if there's anything I can do to help you with that, not through the organisation, but just personally, do let me know and I'll be happy to."

"I agree, I think I should do one thing, and do it well, and maybe come back to this in the future. But thank you so much. Are you still qualified as a counsellor, or are you retired? Has your professional membership lapsed?"

"I have retired, my membership is valid for the time being but it runs out in August and I'm not going to renew it."

"In that case, yes, there is something you can do for me, please, but it will need to be before August. How about Wednesday?"

Friday July 12th

"Meal out with friends tonight, looking forward to it!! My deadline for the first two modules is technically tomorrow, but I want to get it done today so I can let my hair down tonight and then sleep in tomorrow. My plan is then to take a few days off and then start again mid-end of next week, don't want to rush the second half like I had to do at the end of the first half!"

Sunday July 14th

"When I realised I still had one question left to do when I had to leave the library on Friday, I thought I'd end up getting up early, going to Cathy's for prayer breakfast and then heading back to the library to finish off on Saturday day time, but I really really needed that opportunity to just stop and have a whole day of physical rest. So I made myself not think about it during daylight hours, because I knew the hustle would be on once it gets dark. Of course, it's only 2 weeks after the solstice, so it doesn't even get dark here until half past ten right now, but it was only one question, and I did need the rest. I mean, there were a few moments where I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but I thought, well, I also didn't think I would get to the point where I only had one question left in the due date either. There were so many times where I thought, yes, there are better ways to spend £100 than on late fees, but I am getting this whole course for free because it's government funded, so if I have to pay £100 to do the course in the time that suits me, well, then, that's not the worst thing in the world. Although once I'd paid it, I'd probably just keep putting it off and off and off, I've done that before. So really, it actually was yesterday or bust. But I never thought I'd get to the point where I only had one question left! Anyway, I did it, I answered the one question, and I checked all the others, and I pressed 'submit' with 10 minutes still to spare before midnight!! Go me!!"

The next week

"Ugh, I really wanted to make a strong start to the second half, but we had that meeting making a new plan, and then I went straight to babysitting, and I don't know if it's the weather, or if something came over me, or what, but I found it so much more emotionally exhausting than usual, so I couldn't use any of the down time to get any work done, and then I lost all the momentum we established when we went through things last week. And I can't even send you the screenshots, because I don't know how to get into the file...this is such a pain..."

"You've done a great job so far, and this is what I'm here for, to support you. We'll figure it out. Now, when are you going away again? I want to try to find a way to split it all up for you where you don't have to work while you're away if you don't want to."

"I don't know exactly, but I will definitely be taking my laptop with me, and working whilst I'm there. I'll block the actual weekend off for the group activities and not do anything, but the few days before and the few days after, I should be able to get some stuff done. It worked well last time. Also, let's go through the questions before we start, because last time I did get snagged on the ones I thought I would get snagged on, and doing the reading before I looked at the questions didn't help as much as you thought it would. Also also, can I do Unit 4 before I do Unit 3? It looks more interesting, but also, Unit 4 is more shorter bits of reading with more questions, whereas Unit 3 is more longer bits of reading. I know you don't want to overload me with the reading whilst I'm away, but I actually think that longer bits of reading will be easier, it's the questions that are the hard bit."

"Yes, we can look at the questions together now, it's not the way I would do it but I know that's how your brain works, so it's fine. Personally, I would recommend doing Unit 3 before Unit 4, they probably put them in that order for a reason, but you can do it either way if you like. I'll break it up like, this much work is one section, this much work is the next section, etc, and I think you'll have about 3 days to do each section, but you can do the sections in whatever order you want. Do you want a phone call to check in while you're away, or do you just want to email me if you need me?"

"I would have said 'yes, definitely phone me, because I won't do anything if you don't', when we first started, but I think I'll be ok with just emailing you if I need you, by now. I'll continue sending you an email with the answers to every question as I do them, well, the rough draft anyway, and that's also good for a backup in case of any problems, but you'll be able to see how much progress I'm making that way, and then we'll speak when I get back. I say speak, can we do a face to face meeting, please?"

"Yes, does the Monday work for you? Let's do early, so I know you're up and about and then you can crack on afterwards. And do you want a phonecall on the Friday before you submit?"

"Can you make it the Thursday? Then I still have the Friday to finish off any loose ends, but you'll still see where I'm up to."

August

"I started doing the reading for Unit 4, turns out after 6 pages it says "as you covered in Unit 3" so I guess I've got to go backwards anyway."

and also

"I've got to do some work tomorrow. Technically I'm working from home, but actually I'm working from here."

"I wouldn't want to disturb you, but I need to get some reading and studying done, so would you mind if we worked together, or, well, alongside each other, please?"

"Not at all, what are you studying?"

"I'm training to become a counsellor"

and also

(via email) "So, as I was doing the reading, I stopped and went back a step, and I just googled what 'underpins' actually even means. Because I knew I'd snag on that when it came to the questions. Turns out it doesn't just mean 'when the foundation has eroded and then something comes to fill it in to support the structure above so it doesn't collapse', it can also mean just, 'provides a firm foundation for the things above'. So the thing that is built off the firm foundation, that thing is also underpinned by the foundation, it's a different way of saying the same thing. Bit odd, but there you go. I'm glad I thought to do that, I probably wouldn't have thought to do that before, but now I don't think I'll snag on that word in the question."

A few days later

"This is the working table, if you want to eat lunch in this cafe, you'll have to go somewhere else, sorry."

"You're not sorry. *turns* But how long will you guys be around? I only have 2 more pages of reading and then I'll have finished this section, so I'll come and join you on another table in a few minutes? It'll be good to take a break, but then I do need to come back to it later." [Spoiler alert, she did not get back to it later.]

The next day

"I should be getting some more work done today, but I really want to just lay in the grass and read my book for a while, read an actual book because I want to, not just notes that I need to."

"Go lie on the grass then, you are on holiday, you can always do a bit more after lunch." [Spoiler alert, after lunch, she had a long nap.]

The day after that

"I really needed that day off yesterday, thanks for pushing me to take it. Get some more work done today now I'm more refreshed, and then home tomorrow and carry on later this week in the library, good plan."

Half an hour later

"Actually, big problem. In order to protect the laptop from the heat of the sun in the tent, I put it under the air mattress, and at some point I must have kneeled on it. Look at that screen."

"Oh. Yeah. You can't use that. What are you going to do?"

"I'll take it back to Curry's PC World when I get back home, I did get insurance on it. Nothing else I can do. In the meantime, I've still got my printed notes, I can do some reading still, and maybe take some notes in a rough draft for answering the questions later? Does anyone have any spare paper, please? ... Funny though, when I started this course, that would be a big disaster. Now it's just like, ugh, that's annoying, but I'll be fine."

Later that week

"Thanks for taking me to Curry's, I appreciate it."

"No problem, what did they say?"

"The insurance doesn't cover accidental damage."

"What?? Then what's the point of having insurance??"

"I know, right? They can fix it for £75+parts, but they didn't say how much the parts would be. Told them I'd think about it. Is there anywhere else I could try?"

"There's iFix."

Later that day

"iFix said £95 all in, should be done by Tuesday, I said sure. I'll just have to use a library computer until then."

"You're rather calm about all of this, you always used to make a drama out of a crisis."

This week

Monday

"I got distracted on the bus and forgot to get off, and then by the time I realised, I was too far away to know how to get back. I'll just have to stay on the bus until it turns round and comes back the other way. I can't even say I'm sorry, really, because that implies I'm going to change, and I am definitely going to end up getting distracted again at some point, I can't help it, although I'm sorry your time has been wasted. ... Ok, that was the longest bus journey known to man, and it turns out the bus didn't turn round exactly, it just got to the bus station and then stopped and I got kicked off, and then it, or another bus, will take the same route in the other direction in a bit. So I'll just get a different bus back to the library and then make a start from there. But in terms of getting me out and about and ready to start working, this meeting has still served it's purpose!"

and also

(texting my friends) "Writing about naturism in my assignments, and it's quite hot in here, I literally almost just took my shirt off without thinking about it. And I should be allowed to be naked, or topless, in the library, not just by moral principle but by law, and I would push it, but I've already had to ask the library for extra time on the computer today, and I might need to do it again tomorrow, so I don't want to get on their bad side." [Spoiler alert, I had to ask for extra time on the computer every day this week.]

"What does naturism have to do with training to become a counsellor??"

"Two things. One, one of the questions is 'outline your own values and beliefs.' That's because if you don't know your own beliefs really clearly, you're going to end up projecting yourself all over the client without meaning to, which means you won't hear what they have to say about themselves properly, and so you can't help them. And two, one of the other questions is from the diversity module and it's about when I've seen or experienced discrimination. So I told y'all about what my neighbours said, right? And when the police were called on me for not breaking the law? Etc. I then paired that with some discussion about discrimination within naturism, against single people, especially single men, and the unintended consequences of positive action to try to get more women involved. There's also that one guy who got found to be in contempt of court for appearing naked, even though as a philosophical belief, naturism is protected under the Equality Act of 2010, and so to my understanding, that was a mis-application of the law."

The rest of this week

-- but I'm really really tiiiiiiired!!

-- but my arm really huuuuuuurts!!

-- but I don't know what I'm doooooooooing!!

-- but I just plain don't waaaaaaanna!!

Pick a morning, pick an excuse. My inner 5 year old was definitely asserting herself at full brattish volume!!!

So I talk to her.

* Come on. You didn't come this far to only come this far!! [Some days, it helps to know that my whole life is at my own disposal, so I'd better start making some wise choices.]

* Come on. The LORD didn't bring you this far to only bring you this far!! [Some days, it helps to know that actually I'm not in the driving seat, I don't have to choose the destination, so there's no risk of choosing the wrong one.]

* I know you're struggling. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and then all these things shall be added unto you. Well, what is the kingdom of God? It is to bind up the broken hearted, to set the captives free, to proclaim recovery of sight to the blind, and to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour. I can do those things. That's exactly what my studying is intended to do, eventually, all of these things metaphorically, and sometimes literally, and what can be more noble than that?

* Remember when you thought you wouldn't even make it to the first deadline?? When you didn't think you'd even be able to start?? And now look at you!! You're on the final week!! And you only have 7 questions... 4 questions... 1 question... left to go!!! You can do this!!!!

* Just get dressed... Just put your shoes on... Just leave the house... Just go IN to the library... Just get a bit closer...

* You'll probably enjoy it when you get going...

* Or at least, you'll have got the part you didn't like out of the way!!! Then you'll never have to do that bit again!!

I tried different 'study with me' videos, but the most helpful was to just keep using the same one. I tried different seats/computers, but the most helpful was when I stayed with the same one (number 37, if you're interested). Far enough away from the window that I knew I wasn't going to fall out. Full view out, but when I can look out whenever I want, mostly, it's only for short snippets. [Also no worrying about an unauthorized wrecking ball coming in behind me!]

And then finally, finally, finally, after inching along, painfully, excruciatingly slowly, and still stopping at times, finally...

Yesterday

I submitted both assignments!

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ETA: my laptop is still in for repairs, writing all this from my phone was hard, and between that and my deadline and the brain space it occupied, is why I haven't been replying to comments, sorry.

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Wk 5 write off -- open topic -- Contradictions

Wed, 14 Aug 2024 08:09:31 GMT

A few weeks ago, the mysterious human known only as "Gary" (at least, I assume he's human, I haven't actually checked) made a slightly odd comment, that he wanted to introduce me (from my journal) to one of his Facebook friends, who is also actually me. Funny of course, and I made only a passing comment about it, but honestly, it's a question that haunts me.

Thing 1, I'm a Christian. Only 6% of adults in the UK attend church at least once a month. Many of them are married and a full half of them are retired. Throw in a few theological curveballs -- universalism; praying to a Mother God instead of a Father; being beyond the stage of wanting to engage in culture wars; understanding that the trinity is not Father, Son and Holy Scriptures; and my favourite, the idea that a gate is only valuable because of what it is the gate into, and so by the same token the cross is only worth what it purchased for us, and not anything for it's own sake (say that at a Baptist conference and people look at you like you ate their favourite baby!) -- and I'm too Christian for most of the world, and "not Christian enough" for most of the church.

Thing 2, naturism. 4 million adults in the UK enjoy being naked, which as a percentage is about the same as the 6% of adults who go to church. But the vast majority of those are happy just being at home. And whilst it's something really important to me, and probably to most practitioners of the lifestyle, to an extent it's "we both enjoy this, but now what?" Not a sure enough foundation by itself to build relationships on either. But at the same time, since it is important, but unusual, it can cause divisions with people who don't do it. No room for "you be dressed and I'll be naked, and we can still sit in the same room together."

Thing 3, intelligence. I hate making a big deal out of this, since I know that by and large, it's like height, and you just get what you get, and what you get, you didn't earn. But on the other hand, I crave clever conversation the way that I crave water, and I can't deny that reality either.

Thing 4, neurodivergence. I have strong suspicions but no diagnoses yet, although it's clear there's something. And birds of a feather must flock together, if only to help each other navigate a world that wasn't built for us.

Thing 5, love dancing (but haven't been for ages); Thing 6, enjoying the Lady No Kids life, but not thinking that children are the spawn of satan either; Thing 7, active commitment to pacifism; Thing 8, likes being outdoors, but does not enjoy either hiking or swimming; the list goes on and on.

New acquaintances found in all of these things, but real friendship, that's few and far between. That's...very rare. Then I get overly attached to people and drive them away. And more than friendship? That deep ache in my bones to be wanted, cherished? Well, loneliness is a crushing weight I bear every day, but I am starting to get used to it.

But the question raised by that "Gary" 's comments does still haunt me. Was already haunting me before those comments crystallised it. Am I such a unique flavour that no one else (other than myself!) is ever going to like me??

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Wk 5 Oubaitori

Tue, 06 Aug 2024 18:55:15 GMT

"I'm asexual."

The word reverberates heavily, before settling into truth.

"I had wondered. And I thought... that would be hard. Because physically I have never wanted anyone as much as I have wanted you, but right now we are not having sex, and we are also not having breakfast and all those little moments together either, so if we end up having breakfast but not having sex, 1 out of 2, then I still come out ahead, compared to where we are now, right?"

"I'm really flattered. But I've been in relationships before, and it hasn't gone well for either of us."

"No, I understand."

"I think you and me can be really good friends. You're really clever, we have a lot in common."

"Yeah, I'd like that. We can spend more time together than we have done up to now. I'd like that."

——————————————————————

"I'm 'kiss me' drunk."

"Oh, I know exactly how you feel", says the woman getting up to give me a motherly hug, and planting a huge smooch on my forehead.

Not exactly the kind of kissing I had in mind...

———————————————————————

I'm largely excluded from a conversation about mutual friends whom I don't know between a couple and another guy, but I have just eaten meatballs and rice, and fresh fruit with chocolate sprinkles, kindly offered to me on a day when they didn't know I hadn't got a great deal of options for dinner either.

———————————————————————

My arm hurts*, still, but we prayed and I do have full range of movement now, hallelujah. And I also just feel so grateful that our bodies already repair themselves, that there are grace and miracles already built in to the system! How incredible is that?!

———————————————————————

There are people doing grounds maintenance behind the hedge next to my sunbathing spot, and talking about it, loudly. But also, the grass is soft here, the sun is warm, and the breeze blows gently. The blackberries are not sweet yet; not even the purple ones; but they are juicy.

———————————————————————

I hate living on my own (apart from when I love it). I want to get married. A conversation starts up about a few of us maybe becoming housemates.

———————————————————————

"We'd be warmer if we had this conversation in the pavilion."

"Yes... don't take this to be something it isn't, but we'd also be warmer if we had this conversation in one of our tents and then snuggled up and fell asleep together. My ex-fiance really spoiled me here, he would sit on the edge of the bed and hold my hand or put his arm around me until I fell asleep. Since then I have really really hated going to sleep by myself."

"No, I don't want to do that, I like sleeping on my own. Let's go in the pavilion."

"We're still going to have to go out and be cold again eventually."

"I know."

"Guess I forget that not everyone is queerplatonic like that."

———————————————————————

The past week has been filled with group event, after group event, after group event, after group event. And I do like group events, but my soul feeds off one-to-one heart-to-hearts. So I am also feeling a dearth. A bit unsatisfied.

And there is so much love around me. I am so blessed. But at the same time, hope -- or desperation -- whispers that maybe there is still another kind to come?

———————————————————————

* Saturday morning, climbing out of my tent, desperate for a wee, trying to avoid all the really chirpy people who have already been up for an hour, standing up trying to put my flipflops on, and I get hit by a massive cramp in my left leg. I scream and let it take me down, it's only grass, right? But I bang my left elbow on the tent peg, I think, and then my left shoulder on the ground. Feels like muscle damage, like I have lifted too heavy a weight at the gym. A small ache most of the time; a bigger ache/pain when I try to use my grip strength (like opening a sliding door), making a twisting motion (like turning a door handle) or feeling pressure on my wrist (like pushing a door open, or giving a high five). I also just noticed this morning that the underside of my arm has a rather spectacular bruise. But hey ho, the pain is better than it was, and it won't hurt by this coming weekend.

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Without you

Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:58:39 GMT

To: the tallest tree in the forest

Ok, ok, ok, to the person named after a tree; a tall person; the one who is so tied to the natural land that they almost might as well be a tree.

To my fellow type 4 neurodivergent. My INFJ Anglo-Catholic. The only younger-than-me romantic interest I've ever had.

Hi.

I miss you.

And I miss us.

And I miss what we could have been.

So many dreams; I saw a whole life with you.

I'm invested in your local community. Your local pub went up for sale for community purchase two days after my Mum gave me some of my Grandad's inheritance. And my Grandad was a lifelong teetotaller, but he was also an engineer; social, and community-minded; so when I read that you sometimes get blackouts or get snowed in, both for several days at a time, I thought, "if my Grandad had lived in your village, when he'd still had the health to do so, he'd have been the first to volunteer to get the generator going; he'd have been digging a path to let traffic in/out; he'd have been going to the pub to co-ordinate all of this; and then he'd have enjoyed an orange juice with everyone after it was done." So I invested because of him. He'd have enjoyed walking all of your country paths. But I also invested because of you. Because of the vague possibility that your local pub might one day also be my local pub, if you catch my drift. I could see myself working there behind the bar, and I can see myself organising barn dances and the like. I hope you'd dance with me if I did. I don't know whether you've seen my name on the register of owners though, or not. I haven't told you. My plan has been to surprise you by showing up if they have a "shareholders only" open day next Spring.

I've dragged other people to come hang out outside your place of work just because I couldn't be in that town and then not. And it was so busy that day, I reached Autistic Shutdown* Level 8 (do not speak unless necessary) whilst in town, and Levels 9 (do not speak at all/non-verbal) and 10 (do not move, and eventually, fall asleep) on the train home. And the only phrase in my head that afternoon was "Love is what makes you smile when you are tired." So I was tired, but I wanted to smile, and so I came and hung out in -- near -- a place I knew you'd been, and...it worked. I could still smile that day, because I was thinking about you.

I keep seeing photos on facebook of Scottish scenery, and I want to take you to all of them. I'm not Scottish, and to my knowledge, neither are you, but you are Northern, and I want to take you further North. Edinburgh bible college is within driving distance of your cottage, so when I get around to training for the ministry, that's where I pictured myself going. And then us holidaying -- maybe even moving? -- somewhere further North than that. I'm sure the peace of those places calls to us both. Not that I'd uproot you, but just, if you fancied it; I know you're probably not planning on a change. The suggested posts of the English scenery just don't hit the same, and I quickly scroll on by.

I've daydreamed about teasing you by installing a giant inflatable Christmas dinosaur on your local village green. Not your sort of thing at all, I know, but it is mine, one random Christmas dinosaur. 18 months ago we had the same Christmas, basically. Each randomly staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, by ourselves. It would be nice to do that together. And it would be nice to cook a Christmas dinner for the two of us, looking out at a giant Christmas dinosaur on the village green. I have a better poker face than you'd expect, you'd have no idea at all that it was me. Which is what would make it so funny. Teeheehee.

I want to knit you jumpers and blankets and hats. I want to pack your sandwiches and flasks for your adventures. At least some of the time, I want to come with you. I want to sit and listen to you play piano, and then have a go myself. I want you to teach me how to build a real fire. Things like that. As I said, a whole life.

And we're a 10/10 match for compatibility, at least according to my list. Ok, we have some differences. You like cold weather, early mornings and climbing mountains. I like a sunny 26C, late nights and days by the sea. But I don't think all that stuff matters all that much, given how alike in temperament and outlook we are.

I crave clever conversation like I crave water, and I always want the attention of the cleverest person in the room, but you're the only other one who'd understand intuitively what I mean when I say "clever enough to know that being clever is a curse as well as a blessing". And yet you don't judge people by their intelligence. I try not to, but I know how hard that is. You don't seek out sparring partners, but you will best anyone who brings the challenge to your door. Smart enough to put me in my place from time to time; gentle enough not to.

A left-leaning pacifist. Ok, 'left-leaning' is a bit of an assumption here, but in myself, it's the same thing that drives both reactions, so that's why I lumped them together. But you're the first person I've met, aside from myself, who wears the white poppy instead of the red. Who'd take the bullet themselves before they'd ever even think of pointing a weapon at another human being.

Both monarchists, too, which is a bit unusual in the left-leaning space, and not a deal breaker at all, not even on the list, but, another point of connection.

We've fought some of the same battles. I'm not getting into it here, but I do appreciate the companionship when I find a certain thing especially difficult, and you say "yeah, me too". And you are so brave. So very brave, and so very beautiful, my darling. Of the very many reasons I admire you, your courage is the biggest one. In terms of who you are, you stand head and shoulders above so many people, my dear. Je t'adore.

Doesn't hurt that you're bloody gorgeous also, not that that's the point.

And I don't want to say that it's over, especially not before it truly began, but sometimes, unfortunately, things we never wanted to be true...still end up being true.

You've blocked me on facebook. The only direct contact we have, for now, and I'd resigned myself to that. I have your postal address. You have my phone number (currently not working, now I think about it, but that's only been a couple of weeks), and an email account I haven't looked at for a year. Except you don't, do you? You deleted my information when you thought I dead-named you**. I mean, you never said. But I'm still almost certain that's what happened. On the one hand, that makes it easier. It's not that you didn't call for two years because you didn't want to. It's that you couldn't. Or that you were embarrassed to admit what you'd done and to ask for it again. It must be. And I know this, I do. Except.

It's also easy to tell myself that you didn't. Resentment builds before I check it. Impatience catches me out. And before long, "you've had my phone number for two years and never called it" starts getting thrown into shadow by "someone else -- a friend -- is giving me all the time I ever ask for, and I can't undervalue that." At what point do I have to start taking that seriously? Even if it's just as an example for the way a different someone -- that I haven't met yet -- ought to be treating me? Which then sets off a chain of events, through a drunken "we should hook up"***, and landing at "dear Lord, I don't deserve [the tall tree] with the way that I've behaved". And then you blocked me. With no conversation, and no preamble. That's the chain of events from my side, and I hate myself for it.

From your side, I imagine the note I sent you -- several weeks ago, from my side -- saying I missed seeing you around on facebook when you'd temporarily deactivated your account, crossed your path much later. I know you have a lot of time away from home. You reactivated the day after I posted it...again, a bit of patience and we might not have been here, no note at all. It must have spooked you in some way. Something must have, and I can only think it was that. Because we have spoken. Not as often as I'd like, obviously. And I am aware that most of what's gone on with you, what I've pictured, is exactly that. What I've pictured. An unrequited crush from my side. There's still so much more of you I'd like to get to know. But it hasn't been complete radio silence for two years either. So if you were mad at me, if you can't forgive the breach of trust... why have we had the times we have spoken in these last two years? Why, out of all the times, why now??

And more particularly, where do we go from here??

You could have unfriended me entirely, and you didn't -- why not? What's going on? Are we going to be able to have a conversation in person, or are you going to blank me there too? Because in a "the timing couldn't be worse" sort of way, after all this time, unless I'm mistaken, in less than two weeks we actually will see each other in person again, and like I have many times before, I want to talk to you to know where we stand. But I don't want to make it awkward for everyone else. Which again, is why I want to talk to you. You don't have to love me, you don't have to date me, you don't even have to particularly like me, much as it breaks my heart to say it. But you do have to be able to have a civil conversation with me. I'm not going to stand for being blanked in person, and I will get other people involved if I have to. Consider yourself warned. I am still your sister in Christ, and you owe me that at least. And whilst I have very much found my people amongst all our mutual friends, you were there first, and if you want me to remove myself from the group, I will. I won't like it, but I will. I believe there is a waiting list for shares in the pub. So I should be able to divest myself of those, have someone else take them over, get my money back, and find something else that honours my Grandad's spirit. I'm not going to ask you. It would be fitting, in a way, and the more baser desires are saying "nice to get some recompense from you personally", but... we weren't dating. We certainly weren't married (not that I haven't daydreamed about that too), so is it right that you still end up losing money in the 'divorce'? No. I want to treat you better than that.

And whilst all romance dreams are dead before they even took off, you are still a brethren in Christ to me too. Whilst I'm bringing myself round to the idea that you will never be my own... I am still your own, if you want to put it that way. I am still available for you. I pour my life out at your feet. Serving you, and helping you -- you, specifically -- is still the most honourable thing I can think to do with my life. So I hope we do still have some measure of fraternal friendship, because your wish is still my command.

When I was picturing the worst case scenarios, which you can tell I have now been doing, instead of the best ones, I also wondered whether you'd removed yourself from the group, in temper or whatever. I don't know that I could rest easy with myself if I'd indirectly pushed you out, and as I said, you were there first. But after I had that thought, I did see a group photo, and your face was obscured, but that was you, wasn't it? A tall person hiding in the back row? So I slept a little easier that night. And maybe you will be there in a fortnight. And maybe it will be different in person? I know I do have people -- relatives -- that I too have blocked on facebook, whom I would still be pleasant to in real life. Here's hoping it's the same for us, eh? Who knows.

It's your birthday soon, but I don't think I should send you a card? Is that the way the wind's blowing? But perhaps I will take one with me, and we shall see how we go.

I have been putting off buying my ticket. I had my excuses, but that's all they were. So now that all of this is out there, I should just buy my ticket, whilst I still have chance, and then face the music as it comes.

With love and God bless,
your fellow type 4 neurodivergent, your INFP Bapti-costal, the older woman in your life,
Elizabeth x

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* something I made up. I probably mis-named the levels, but
Level 7 -- do not speak unless spoken to
Level 6 -- visibly annoyed but still at least trying to make conversation
Level 5 -- annoyed/overstimulated but mostly hiding it
leaving
Level 4 -- pretty chill
and
Levels 0-3 -- various degrees of understimulated.

** I didn't, for the record. My darling, I would never. But I know why you think I did.

*** We didn't

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ETA, 31st July

You're here! So lovely to see you! And you're not mad at me! But I'm still looking at you with awe and love and I have no idea what to do or say next! I don't know how to be around you...

Also, you're saying now you're older than me?? 8 years older than me?? I'm struggling to believe that tbh...

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Sankofa (it is not taboo to fetch what is at risk of being left behind)

Sun, 14 Jul 2024 14:28:24 GMT

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth... God created human beings in his image and likeness, in the image of God he created them...God saw all that he had made, and it was very good...The [humans were both] naked, and they were not ashamed.

In my previous entry, I mentioned how comfortable clothing has exploded in popularity since the pandemic. Whilst true, there's also a segment of society that went the other way -- membership of the organisation British Naturism quadrupled in 2020 and has been growing steadily ever since, and yes I am now part of that number.

As you'd expect, it's been really liberating. More than stripping off clothes, I mean stripping off expectations and the weight of other people's judgements. Stripping off everything you are not, will then bring into much clearer focus all the things that you actually are, from your soul.

And then there's what I call "the other side of naturism" -- the reconnecting a bit more with the earth, with the seasons; becoming more 'as one' with it all. More like we were supposed to be. It's an inevitable consequence, I have found. This suits me, for at heart I am a wild child -- bare feet, dirt under my fingernails, hair tangled in the wind, yet not a care in the world. This sounds like paradise to me. I wish I'd had the kind of childhood where I was allowed to climb a tree. For many years, I have even used the moniker unmowngrass . Part of that same desire.

And yet.

It is also true that I have never cared more about clothing and fashion than I have since getting into naturism, either. After all, if I'm going to go to all the bother of getting dressed these days, why should I continue to do so into ugly clothes? I now wear a necklace nearly every day; I even wore one I don't much like when I went to the library, because I felt more 'put-together' that way. I've become a person who straightens my hair and wears quite heavy makeup when I'm going out-out; even, most of the time, I now wear lip gloss and mascara just for leaving the flat. I have never been a 'lip-gloss and mascara for leaving the flat' sort of person. Did you hear what I said above about being a wild child?? But actually, that's who I am now. I have started painting my (sometimes dirty) nails again.

The key word there, of course, being, again. Because as I am going back to nature, back to nakedness, back to oneness with the earth, I am also going back to the fashion and frivolity that I have, at different times, both enjoyed, and then thought I was too good for. It's better to let that attitude go, and I am enjoying it now more than ever. No more stopping myself because "it shouldn't be important". Fashion isn't a bad thing.

So I do enjoy getting dressed, getting dressed up, these days. On purpose, to look nice, for an occasion. But I think it's still true that nakedness is better. And I am yearning for the freedom to just dress or not according to mood and weather and nothing else. Not other people's expectations. Not getting dressed because I 'have' to. Clothing and nakedness are both ours to enjoy, and in wider society this should also be true. I am buying this fairy-princess-tutu skirt, and to be honest, I want to wear it by itself. Barefoot. Curly hair. With maybe a bit of lipgloss and mascara.

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Someone to love you in all your damaged glory

Fri, 05 Jul 2024 17:47:46 GMT

I've been going to bed in my clothes lately.

I've slept in the nude for so long that even in the middle of winter, I get too hot if I go to bed wearing pyjamas.

But I've been going to bed in my clothes lately.

They come off in the night, they always do, and I know this going in.

But I've been going to bed in my clothes lately.

Fashion has changed since the pandemic, as I'm sure you're aware, and soft clothes, cosy clothes, comfortable clothes, are now very much the thing. And that's a factor, for sure. Take off your shoes and necklace, swap that jacket for a hoodie, and even the day's formal attire is now soft enough to sleep in. 'Cosy' is the operative word. When you're spiralling out of control, when you're lonely and moody and sad, when you're faced again with an empty bed, a hoodie can hug you still, but the sheets against your bare skin tend to just make you want a bit of bare skin against your bare skin, that's what I have found.

I've been going to bed in my clothes lately.

And this is the reason why.

Relationships twist and change, so quickly.

My heart ends up feeling bruised.

Because I'm the one who's been throwing it around.

I've been going to bed in my clothes lately.

Armour, I guess. But simultaneously, a soft embrace, when there is none other to be found.

Anxious Attachment* quakes in her boots, as always, when I take a half-step back and give people their space, to see how close they actually want to come to me. I tell her it's better than chasing, and chasing, and chasing. Re-parenting myself, I think that's what it's called.

And I do wish I could meet myself from the outside, see how I come across.

Or better still, have myself on my best day, with all of my good qualities, to be the one available to help me when it's my worst day, because that's exactly what I need the most.

Of course, I can't. It doesn't work that way.

The best I can do, that any of us can, is to take what we learned from our worst days and build on it, and use it as fuel to move us forward into our better days, and put more of that out into the world.

So I'm training to become a counsellor.

I can think of no higher honour than getting to hear and to help someone's story. That's my best self.

I'm also daydreaming about a soft snuggly pet, although my flat is pretty small.

I've never been a fan of the idea of pets in the bed, because they're going to be in the way on the rare occasion there is the opportunity for having another human in the bed. But then again, for all the other times where there is no such chance, maybe a soft snuggly pet in the bed can be as good as -- or better than -- a hoodie.

Maybe I won't be going to bed in my clothes for very much longer.

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This has been an entry for week 1 of the latest mini-season of therealljidol , which is a writing competition. There's a prompt, we all write an entry in our own journals and link them here >> https://therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1140427.html << (well, there will be a separate place to link them next week, etc). There will then be a vote, the bottom one or two (or three or five or whatever) contestants will be eliminated, and then we do it all again next week, and the last one standing is the winner. Some twists and turns along the way. If you'd like to play, you still have a little time, you just need to write an entry before the deadline for the first prompt, which is tomorrow, Saturday 6th July. Also, you probably need to get good at timezone maths ;-)

* If you are unfamiliar with attachment styles, I have provided a brief summary to the best of my understanding, here >> https://unmowngrass.dreamwidth.org/24420.html << but it is only background reading, and not essential to my entry

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Attachment styles

Fri, 05 Jul 2024 13:41:39 GMT

Humans are born with under-developed brains. Compared to the animal kingdom, if a human was born with a brain more in proportion to the size of it's body, if I'm remembering correctly from a tv documentary I once saw, then humans would need to gestate for almost 4 years. But no woman would survive birthing a child that size with an intact pelvis, or possibly at all, so we are born after just 9 months, with an under-developed brain, and spend the first few years of our lives developing that brain at a faster rate than anything else. But since our brains are under-developed, we are extremely vulnerable in that time. Mistreatment in various ways can cause us a lot of damage here. Now -- to a certain extent -- the human brain is plastic, is pliable, adaptable, so it can later change for the better, but that doesn't exclude the fact that what we are exposed to in our early years can cause some real long-term damage also. In particular, the way our emotional needs are met or not can form patterns that influence our relationships for the rest of our lives, and these are called attachment styles.

Secure attachment -- what it sounds like. Your emotional needs were met, you formed secure bonds with your primary and secondary caregivers, and you can go on to form secure bonds with many others throughout your lives.

Anxious attachment -- if your needs were met, but only some of the time; if your caregivers were a bit unpredictable, sometimes there for you, sometimes absent, or angry. Probably more good than bad, but enough bad that it has it's effect on you. When you grow up you will be able to form relationships, but you always want to know the 'status' of them. Daily. You will want visible displays of commitment, even with friends, and romantically, will probably be inclined to develop things fairly quickly.

Avoidant attachment -- if you weren't really allowed to have emotional needs, if your needs were always secondary to the needs of your parents, then you learned to cope emotionally on your own. You withdraw when you get overwhelmed, and you'd rather flee than have an honest conversation about emotions, because you feel so out of your depth. You can still form connections as an adult, just...not necessarily very close ones. You put up 'walls' a lot.

Anxious-avoidant attachment -- what it sounds like. A mix of the above two. For ease of explanation, I put them in this order, but in terms of lowest degree of damage to highest, this really belongs above Avoidant.

Disorganised attachment -- if you had very bad things happen to you as a child, if your early childhood was tumultuous, then it can impede your ability to make any kinds of healthy connections with people at all. Or you can be a bit all over the map, creating too much intimacy too quickly and then withdrawing at high speed, and then feeling sad that you're alone, and so forth. Maybe you trauma-bond with people more than form healthy connections with them.

From what I know of relationship counselling, mostly from youtube, people with secure attachment tend to find other people with secure attachment, whereas an anxious type and an avoidant type usually end up pairing up together. I'm not sure of the why of that, although I can see how they can potentially both make each other worse.

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Let's go round again!

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 15:14:33 GMT

I really do not have the headspace for even the things of my own that I am currently undertaking, but LJ Idol is starting again and I know I'd kick myself if I didn't participate, so here we go again.

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Let's go fly a kite

Wed, 07 Dec 2022 11:14:41 GMT

https://youtu.be/BA-g8YYPKVoyoutu.be/BA-g8YYPKVo

https://youtu.be/BA-g8YYPKVo

Posted this on Facebook, as a cryptic message.

It's a fun song, and I didn't want any like reactions to it.

My Grandad loved flying his kite.

Loved, past tense.

( Read more... ).

I'm at Catherine's, due to babysit all day. She hasn't left yet, but I haven't had chance to speak to her.

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LJIM+ wk 4 Happy

Mon, 22 Nov 2021 03:01:57 GMT

It's alarming to realise, sometimes, how deeply things degenerate without attention. Habits of the mind become so entrenched, so difficult to change. Even whilst you're in workshops reminding you that it's possible.

Cry, out of agitation, when all your people are all up in your face, no space to breathe, trying to run your life. How they cut you and try to pour themselves into the gap.

Cry again, with desperation, when they take their own space to avoid you. When they stop letting you cut them in return. (No-one's perfect.)

Cry about this, cry about that, cry about the other thing.

It is alarming to wake up one day and see that you've just been really, really miserable for a long, long time.

Things lose their meaning, and the longer the void stretches on, the deeper it gets.

As the colour runs out of your world, eventually even tv gets boring.

When this happened to me recently, I was all out of everything, no inspiration to be found.

Nothing.

Empty.

And in the emptiness, there is only instinct. Instinct gives you only one option:

make the current run the other way.

Stop consuming; create.

For the first time in a long time, I picked up a musical instrument.

And I'm not very good at playing it yet, and I didn't do it for very long, and nor did I write the tune, but I did play it!

And for ten minutes...

... I was happy.

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Dentist

Mon, 01 Nov 2021 22:34:19 GMT

I need to go to the dentist.

( Not graphic, but clearly a 'read if you choose' kind of topic )

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LJIM+ wk1 -- There are things that drift away like our endless numbered days

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 01:53:21 GMT

I sleep a lot these days

My blood sugar gets low.
My iron levels do too.
I'm generally run down.

So half past five in the evening, especially if I've had a busy day, you'll find me passing into slumberland on the couch. Too short to stretch out but with loads of squashy cushions. Warm, most of the time. I get a pain in my neck because the arm of the couch is too high, and a pain in my hips from laying on my side, but nonetheless around half past eight I wake up from asleep to drowsy, to that sweet happy-languid state, wrapped in remembrances of soft, warm, tender dreams. And for a minute it's glorious.

.

I don't sleep well these days

Not enough water.
Not enough physical activity to tire me out.
Too much caffeine, too much screen time.

And putting off the loneliest moment of the day.

Even with my Prayer Songs playlist and my teddy bear.

So at two in the morning, or later -- I try not to let it be too much later -- I'm resigning myself to the need to get to bed. Uncomfortable mattress, lumpy pillows. Cold, usually, because the wall I cuddle into is exterior. I get a sore throat because (I think) I sleep with my mouth open. An ache in my bad vertebrae for sleeping facing the ceiling. And at half past eight in the morning -- or half past eleven, if I've nothing to get up for -- plus the 1-3 times I wake in the night -- you'll find me eyes heavy lidded but mind so alert, racing. Vigilantly checking about, haunted by the ghosts, by the echoes, the flashes of the bad dreams. And for a minute it's scary.

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A decade!

Tue, 26 Oct 2021 21:55:43 GMT

I realised today that when I first joined Idol, for series 8, was in 2011. I forget when it started exactly. At a guess, end of September. So it has been over a decade I've been involved with Idol, in one way or another. Ten years, that changed my life and then didn't.

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INFJ & INFP

Mon, 25 Oct 2021 16:51:26 GMT

In one of the INFP groups on Facebook, I saw a meme, it said

I have never met an INFJ who did not either make art or play music on a daily basis, and I have never met an INFP who did not either read or play video games every day either.

Which is super interesting. As an INFP, can confirm, I read every day. (I have been trying to read a lot, 2 hrs a day, in order to actively stretch my concentration span. Or I was a few months ago. But even when I'm not doing that I do read a lot.)
One of my closest friends Carly is INFJ and she more than anyone I know (who is not a teenage boy) plays video games a lot. But then, she paints, too. But probably not every day.

And I don't know her personality type, but Anne-Marie paints a lot too. This makes me wonder if she is INFJ too.

Then again, the whole thing could be a bunch of cobblers. I don't think I know any INFPs irl. That said, I don't know Carly or Anne-Marie irl either. But I see Carly every day on Facebook and she feels like my best friend who lives next door. And Anne-Marie is my relative, and therefore the rest of my family know her too, even though she also lives in a different country from me/us and I know her through WhatsApp and Facebook and online bible studies and not physically. But she doesn't feel like an Internet friend either.

Someone I was at high school and college with rings a bell for INFJ irl by this token, playing music every day. And she was good at music, as were a lot of my friends from high school*, but she needs it for her soul too, I think.

*https://unmowngrass.livejournal.com/222587.html

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LJ Idol Minor+

Mon, 25 Oct 2021 16:30:49 GMT

LJ Idol on dreamwidth is back, baby! And no sign ups this time. If you fancy writing some things in a supportive situation, check it out.
>>https://therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1102528.html?view=85807808&posted=1#cmt85807808<<

Although, I am pretty certain there's been a season here before, in which I have participated, and I've just gone back through every single entry in my whole journal, and I couldn't see anything from there. Did I just post them on LJ?? Dunno. If you find them, let me know. I'll be writing here though for the foreseeable.

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Life goes on

Sun, 24 Oct 2021 22:29:52 GMT

Been a long time since I've updated. What's changed?

I've moved house, I live on my own now. It's...ok.
There's been some shake up of relationships. Some people taking a step away (mostly family), some taking a step forward. I am starting to get a sense of who my real friends for life are, whom I should be investing in the most. Most notably, Anne-Marie. A distant relation, but also, maybe my closest relation.
I've been going to a support group. Currently twice a week. I'm having counselling there, and they do workshops to increase self esteem and things like that. The name of the support group is Number 11.
It's because of them and the aforementioned self esteem workshop that the perhaps biggest change occurred. I've changed my name! I now go by my middle name as my main name. Elizabeth. That was a year ago this weekend. It's not why I did it, but it has definitely separated the people who respect me from those who don't. But maybe more of that on another day.
Also, in part because of Number 11, I've uncovered the big dream for my life. I want to be a foster carer! I don't know how I'm going to get there, because I currently live in a very small flat that does not have a child's bedroom, but that is where I want to go.
I've moved churches. Still getting settled in. I've always been a pentecostal at heart, although I went to the baptist church for a long time. And now I'm at a church that is a bit more pentecostal, I think.
I've been on a date! It was the first one in a long, long time. And that one didn't work out, but I am looking forward to finding someone else who I can maybe be in love with again.
Did I have a niece last time you heard from me? Well she's 3 now, had her birthday party recently. She was just starting to love me and then there was a pandemic and I didn't see her for over 6 months and then I moved house so even when she was back to going to my Mum's every Thursday, I wasn't there, and now she doesn't really love me anymore. Unfortunately. But I still love her. 💕

That's it, I think, for the time being.

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Dreamwidth and Livejournal

Sat, 15 Apr 2017 15:11:45 GMT

You've probably heard there's a mass exodus occurring. I'm joining in. Mostly because it is a mass exodus, so hopefully this new place will be less of an echo chamber, and I don't value the idea of starting from scratch. I've had a journal here (dw) for a few years now, there are the occasional entries I've written; emphasis on occasional, not that I was particularly active on lj either. But, new journal, new start, let's bring about a change here. Let me get back to actually journalling online, if I can journal without judgement. New journal, new start, old friends welcome. Come find me (or leave your names so I can come find you)!

I haven't started a back-up request, mostly because I am not sure how. And if I do, will I be able to auto-add a tag to say that they're the imported entries? (Note above about there have been a few entries here over the past few years.)

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Bible study -- Acts 16

Thu, 21 Apr 2016 12:08:55 GMT

I encountered something a bit odd in Acts Chapter 16 this morning. (Emphasis mine, and throughout)

Now Paul traveled to Derbe and also to Lystra. A disciple named Timothy was there, the son of a Jewish woman who was a believer [in Christ], however, his father was a Greek. 2 Timothy was well spoken of by the brothers and sisters who were in Lystra and Iconium. 3 Paul wanted Timothy to go with him [as a missionary]; and he took him and circumcised him because of the Jews who were in those places, since they all knew that his father was a Greek.

Paul circumcised Timothy "because of the Jews who were in those places" (because his father was Greek). But I really don't see what that has to do with anything.

Paul is the one who said himself, in 1 Corinthians 7:

19Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but what matters is the keeping of the commandments of God. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

The matter of circumcising gentiles was settled in the very previous chapter, Acts 15, and the church (including Paul) decided against it:

( Read more... )

Certain people came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the believers: “Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.” 2 This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them. So Paul and Barnabas were appointed, along with some other believers, to go up to Jerusalem to see the apostles and elders about this question. ... 4 When they came to Jerusalem, they were welcomed by the church and the apostles and elders, to whom they reported everything God had done through them. 5 Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to keep the law of Moses.”

6 The apostles and elders met to consider this question. 7 After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. 8 God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. 9 He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith. 10 Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? 11 No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”

12 The whole assembly became silent as they listened to Barnabas and Paul telling about the signs and wonders God had done among the Gentiles through them. 13 When they finished, James spoke up. “Brothers,” he said, “listen to me. 14 Simon [Peter] has described to us how God first intervened to choose a people for his name from the Gentiles.15 The words of the prophets are in agreement with this, as it is written [in the Old Testament book Amos, Chapter 9, verses 11-12]:

16 “‘After this I will return

and rebuild David’s fallen tent.

Its ruins I will rebuild,

and I will restore it,

17 that the rest of mankind may seek the Lord,

even all the Gentiles who bear my name,

says the Lord, who does these things’—

18 things known from long ago.

19 “It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. 20 Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood. 21 For the law of Moses has been preached in every city from the earliest times and is read in the synagogues on every Sabbath.”

22 Then the apostles and elders, with the whole church, decided to choose some of their own men and send them to Antioch with Paul and Barnabas. They chose Judas (called Barsabbas) and Silas, men who were leaders among the believers. 23 With them they sent the following letter:

The apostles and elders, your brothers,

To the Gentile believers in Antioch, Syria and Cilicia:

Greetings.

24 We have heard that some went out from us without our authorization and disturbed you, troubling your minds by what they said. 25 So we all agreed to choose some men and send them to you with our dear friends Barnabas and Paul— 26 men who have risked their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 27 Therefore we are sending Judas and Silas to confirm by word of mouth what we are writing. 28 It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us not to burden you with anything beyond the following requirements: 29 You are to abstain from food sacrificed to idols, from blood, from the meat of strangled animals and from sexual immorality. You will do well to avoid these things.

Farewell.

30 So the men were sent off and went down to Antioch, where they gathered the church together and delivered the letter. 31 The people read it and were glad for its encouraging message.

Paul has more to say about this in Chapter 2 of his letter to the Galatians:

I went up again to Jerusalem, this time with Barnabas. [This is the meeting referenced above.] I took Titus along also. 2 I went in response to a revelation and, meeting privately with those esteemed as leaders, I presented to them the gospel that I preach among the Gentiles. ... 3 Yet not even Titus, who was with me, was compelled to be circumcised, even though he was a Greek.

...[T]hey recognized that I had been entrusted with the task of preaching the gospel to the uncircumcised, just as Peter had been to the circumcised. 8 For God, who was at work in Peter as an apostle to the circumcised, was also at work in me as an apostle to the Gentiles. 9 James, Cephas [Peter] and John, those esteemed as pillars, gave me and Barnabas the right hand of fellowship when they recognized the grace given to me. They agreed that we should go to the Gentiles, and they to the circumcised. 10 All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I had been eager to do all along.

11 When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. 13 The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.

14 When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?

15 “We who are Jews by birth and not sinful Gentiles 16 know that a person is not justified by the works of the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law, because by the works of the law no one will be justified.

Here Paul is clearly equating being circumcised with "the works of the law" [ie, trying to be 'good enough' to earn God's favour], and he's plain that this is not how it works and we, both Jews and gentiles alike, are only made right with God by "faith in Jesus Christ".

Which, coming back to my original point, Timothy had. So, WHY DID PAUL CIRCUMCISE TIMOTHY??

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Generous living

Mon, 18 Apr 2016 23:54:44 GMT

Yesterday, Nik preached on generous living.
The sermon can be found here: http://www.newcastlebaptist.org.uk/sermons/

He opened with a story of waiters complaining that the "church table" was usually the least generous in terms of tips. And how horrible that we have such a reputation, given the generosity of God.

Point, very much, point, but, I can see how it got that way.

I've seen how willingly, how happily, Christians serve each other. They're genuinely happy to do so. And how well they work as a team -- if something needs doing, people will jump in without being asked and it's not unusual at all to encounter the minister undertaking one of the more servant-oriented roles, such as sweeping the floor or stacking the chairs. Simultaneously, if people need more help, they're not afraid to ask. And the welcome that Christians give each other is... so welcoming. Really really happy to see each other. There's an air of "you're safe here, you can breathe again."

By contrast, that feeling just does not come from someone who's only there for the money and has to paint on their happy face because they're going to work. (Granted, there are people who work in the 'hospitality industry' who are genuinely welcoming, but in my experience, they are few and far between. And they're not the ones just in it for the money, either.) I've never seen the manager of an eatery sweeping the floor. If a table is kept waiting (bad service in itself!), it's rare that another server will jump in to make it up to them. And when there has been more than one server, there's usually mis-communications between them and it usually doesn't speed things up at all.

So I can understand, putting those two experiences next to each other, by going out straight after church, that the service provided by the paid employees could be judged quite harshly. People probably think they're being rather forgiving by not mentioning it.

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Sabbath for the land

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 16:05:32 GMT

Leviticus 25 says:

The Sabbath Year

25 The Lord said to Moses at Mount Sinai, ²‘Speak to the Israelites and say to them: “When you enter the land I am going to give you, the land itself must observe a sabbath to the Lord. ³For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. ⁴But in the seventh year the land is to have a year of sabbath rest, a sabbath to theLord. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. ⁵Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest.⁶Whatever the land yields during the sabbath year will be food for you – for yourself, your male and female servants, and the hired worker and temporary resident who live among you, ⁷as well as for your livestock and the wild animals in your land. Whatever the land produces may be eaten.

Catherine and I were talking about this Sabbath for the land last week, and what it would also mean for the culture. If we assume that most of the people were land workers, who would therefore be without their regular employment, what would happen during this year? (I realise this may be a big and/or faulty assumption to make, but how do I know how many people would have worked the land?)

Here is a semi-organised brainstorming list of potentiallities:

1) People would sleep. Farmers in particular tend to be up early, working long hours and more or less always on call. Therefore they, moreso than anyone else, will probably benefit from being able to have a few lie-ins or early nights.

2) It's a great time to think and plan for the coming six years. Also, new dreams and ventures would be born, or even new skills would be gained.

3) Speaking of birth, and of early nights, there would probably be a glut of children born that year or the year following. It gives people time to invest more time in their, ahem, closest relationships.

4) Other relationships would flourish too. Men who have worked long hours would be in a position to hang out with their offspring for a change, and visits would be made to friends and extended family in far away places, that couldn't be done in a profession so dependant on the seasons and where everything always has to be done at exactly the time for it or it won't work.

5) Houses would get tidied. All those nooks and crannies that fill up with stuff that we don't get around to clearing, would be gone. All sorts of treasures may be found out as we do it.

6) Music would be made, and probably art, too. After they've had their fill of early nights, there would be much sitting up late and chatting, and in general, conversation would probably run at a deeper level than usual.

7) The meals would probably change when there is the time to dwell over the preparation of them, and the women may well become more creative in the types of meals they made. Incidentally, from later in the same chapter:
²⁰You may ask, ‘What will we eat in the seventh year if we do not plant or harvest our crops?’ ²¹I will send you such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years. ²²While you plant during the eighth year, you will eat from the old crop and will continue to eat from it until the harvest of the ninth year comes in,

so there would have been plenty to work with.

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Sermon series on Revelation - chapter 10

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 00:27:41 GMT

Our church is doing a sermon series on the book of Revelation. I'm thrilled because it doesn't get preached on very often, and because Nik is doing a brilliant job of handling it, and because there are some exciting treasures in that book once one knows how to unpack them.

We started doing it last Autumn, and then took a break to do some other stuff, and then have come back to it this Autumn (although we may not finish it this time around).

Here's the link:

http://www.newcastlebaptist.org.uk/sermons.php

- feel free to download it. I really haven't heard better teaching on the book of Revelation anywhere, in any other talk or in a book or anything. I feel so priviliged to be in a church where I get to hear this guy preach every week.

Also, yours truly was doing the reading this morning, and, if I remember correctly, back when we studied Chapter 5 too. So you can look that up if you want to hear what I sound like.

Oh, note to self: I was away the week they did Chapter 9, so I need to remember to download that.

On a semi-related note, here's hymn of the week:

Take us To The River by Robin Mark:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PkDusBOdR0&feature=related

(note, I've gone with the best audio quality here. The lyrics onscreen are not entirely accurate, there is the odd word changed here and there, so listen with your eyes closed.)

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Good evening

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 17:57:39 GMT

Now live on dreamwidth.

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