To: the tallest tree in the forest
Ok, ok, ok, to the person named after a tree; a tall person; the one who is so tied to the natural land that they almost might as well be a tree.
To my fellow
type 4 neurodivergent. My
INFJ Anglo-Catholic. The only younger-than-me romantic interest I've ever had.
Hi.
I miss you.
And I miss us.
And I miss what we could have been.
So many dreams; I saw a whole life with you.
I'm invested in your local community. Your local pub went up for sale for community purchase two days after my Mum gave me some of my Grandad's inheritance. And my Grandad was a lifelong teetotaller, but he was also an engineer; social, and community-minded; so when I read that you sometimes get blackouts or get snowed in, both for several days at a time, I thought, "if my Grandad had lived in your village, when he'd still had the health to do so, he'd have been the first to volunteer to get the generator going; he'd have been digging a path to let traffic in/out; he'd have been going to the pub to co-ordinate all of this; and then he'd have enjoyed an orange juice with everyone after it was done." So I invested because of him. He'd have enjoyed walking all of your country paths. But I also invested because of you. Because of the vague possibility that your local pub might one day also be my local pub, if you catch my drift. I could see myself working there behind the bar, and I can see myself organising barn dances and the like. I hope you'd dance with me if I did. I don't know whether you've seen my name on the register of owners though, or not. I haven't told you. My plan has been to surprise you by showing up if they have a "shareholders only" open day next Spring.
I've dragged other people to come hang out outside your place of work just because I couldn't be in that town and then not. And it was so busy that day, I reached Autistic Shutdown* Level 8 (do not speak unless necessary) whilst in town, and Levels 9 (do not speak at all/non-verbal) and 10 (do not move, and eventually, fall asleep) on the train home. And the only phrase in my head that afternoon was "Love is what makes you smile when you are tired." So I was tired, but I wanted to smile, and so I came and hung out in -- near -- a place I knew you'd been, and...it worked. I could still smile that day, because I was thinking about you.
I keep seeing photos on facebook of Scottish scenery, and I want to take you to all of them. I'm not Scottish, and to my knowledge, neither are you, but you are Northern, and I want to take you further North. Edinburgh bible college is within driving distance of your cottage, so when I get around to training for the ministry, that's where I pictured myself going. And then us holidaying -- maybe even moving? -- somewhere further North than that. I'm sure the peace of those places calls to us both. Not that I'd uproot you, but just, if you fancied it; I know you're probably not planning on a change. The suggested posts of the English scenery just don't hit the same, and I quickly scroll on by.
I've daydreamed about teasing you by installing a giant inflatable Christmas dinosaur on your local village green. Not your sort of thing at all, I know, but it is mine, one random Christmas dinosaur. 18 months ago we had the same Christmas, basically. Each randomly staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, by ourselves. It would be nice to do that together. And it would be nice to cook a Christmas dinner for the two of us, looking out at a giant Christmas dinosaur on the village green. I have a better poker face than you'd expect, you'd have no idea at all that it was me. Which is what would make it so funny. Teeheehee.
I want to knit you jumpers and blankets and hats. I want to pack your sandwiches and flasks for your adventures. At least some of the time, I want to come with you. I want to sit and listen to you play piano, and then have a go myself. I want you to teach me how to build a real fire. Things like that. As I said, a whole life.
And we're a 10/10 match for compatibility, at least according to my list. Ok, we have some differences. You like cold weather, early mornings and climbing mountains. I like a sunny 26C, late nights and days by the sea. But I don't think all that stuff matters all that much, given how alike in temperament and outlook we are.
I crave clever conversation like I crave water, and I always want the attention of the cleverest person in the room, but you're the only other one who'd understand intuitively what I mean when I say "clever enough to know that being clever is a curse as well as a blessing". And yet you don't judge people by their intelligence. I try not to, but I know how hard that is. You don't seek out sparring partners, but you will best anyone who brings the challenge to your door. Smart enough to put me in my place from time to time; gentle enough not to.
A left-leaning pacifist. Ok, 'left-leaning' is a bit of an assumption here, but in myself, it's the same thing that drives both reactions, so that's why I lumped them together. But you're the first person I've met, aside from myself, who wears the
white poppy instead of the red. Who'd take the bullet themselves before they'd ever even think of pointing a weapon at another human being.
Both monarchists, too, which is a bit unusual in the left-leaning space, and not a deal breaker at all, not even on the list, but, another point of connection.
We've fought some of the same battles. I'm not getting into it here, but I do appreciate the companionship when I find a certain thing especially difficult, and you say "yeah, me too". And you are so brave. So very brave, and so very beautiful, my darling. Of the very many reasons I admire you, your courage is the biggest one. In terms of
who you are, you stand head and shoulders above so many people, my dear.
Je t'adore.Doesn't hurt that you're bloody gorgeous also, not that that's the point.
And I don't want to say that it's over, especially not before it truly began, but sometimes, unfortunately, things we never wanted to be true...still end up being true.
You've blocked me on facebook. The only direct contact we have, for now, and I'd resigned myself to that. I have your postal address. You have my phone number (currently not working, now I think about it, but that's only been a couple of weeks), and an email account I haven't looked at for a year. Except you don't, do you? You deleted my information when you thought I dead-named you**. I mean, you never said. But I'm still almost certain that's what happened. On the one hand, that makes it easier. It's not that you didn't call for two years because you didn't want to. It's that you couldn't. Or that you were embarrassed to admit what you'd done and to ask for it again. It must be. And I know this, I do. Except.
It's also easy to tell myself that you didn't. Resentment builds before I check it. Impatience catches me out. And before long, "you've had my phone number for two years and never called it" starts getting thrown into shadow by "someone else -- a friend -- is giving me all the time I ever ask for, and I can't undervalue that." At what point do I have to start taking that seriously? Even if it's just as an example for the way a different someone -- that I haven't met yet -- ought to be treating me? Which then sets off a chain of events, through a drunken "we should hook up"***, and landing at "dear Lord, I don't deserve [the tall tree] with the way that I've behaved". And then you blocked me. With no conversation, and no preamble. That's the chain of events from my side, and I hate myself for it.
From your side, I imagine the note I sent you -- several weeks ago, from my side -- saying I missed seeing you around on facebook when you'd temporarily deactivated your account, crossed your path much later. I know you have a lot of time away from home. You reactivated the day after I posted it...again, a bit of patience and we might not have been here, no note at all. It must have spooked you in some way. Something must have, and I can only think it was that. Because we
have spoken. Not as often as I'd like, obviously. And I am aware that most of what's gone on with you, what I've pictured, is exactly that. What
I've pictured. An unrequited crush from my side. There's still so much more of you I'd like to get to know. But it hasn't been complete radio silence for two years either. So if you were mad at me, if you can't forgive the breach of trust... why have we had the times we have spoken in these last two years? Why, out of all the times, why now??
And more particularly, where do we go from here??
You could have unfriended me entirely, and you didn't -- why not? What's going on? Are we going to be able to have a conversation in person, or are you going to blank me there too? Because in a "the timing couldn't be worse" sort of way, after all this time, unless I'm mistaken, in less than two weeks we actually will see each other in person again, and like I have many times before, I want to talk to you to know where we stand. But I don't want to make it awkward for everyone else. Which again, is why I want to talk to you. You don't have to love me, you don't have to date me, you don't even have to particularly like me, much as it breaks my heart to say it. But you do have to be able to have a civil conversation with me. I'm not going to stand for being blanked in person, and I will get other people involved if I have to. Consider yourself warned. I am still your sister in Christ, and you owe me that at least. And whilst I have very much found my people amongst all our mutual friends, you were there first, and if you want me to remove myself from the group, I will. I won't like it, but I will. I believe there is a waiting list for shares in the pub. So I should be able to divest myself of those, have someone else take them over, get my money back, and find something else that honours my Grandad's spirit. I'm not going to ask you. It would be fitting, in a way, and the more baser desires are saying "nice to get some recompense from you personally", but... we weren't dating. We certainly weren't married (not that I haven't daydreamed about that too), so is it right that you still end up losing money in the 'divorce'? No. I want to treat you better than that.
And whilst all romance dreams are dead before they even took off, you are still a brethren in Christ to me too. Whilst I'm bringing myself round to the idea that you will never be my own... I am still your own, if you want to put it that way. I am still available for you. I pour my life out at your feet. Serving you, and helping you -- you, specifically -- is still the most honourable thing I can think to do with my life. So I hope we do still have some measure of fraternal friendship, because your wish is still my command.
When I was picturing the worst case scenarios, which you can tell I have now been doing, instead of the best ones, I also wondered whether
you'd removed yourself from the group, in temper or whatever. I don't know that I could rest easy with myself if I'd indirectly pushed you out, and as I said, you were there first. But after I had that thought, I did see a group photo, and your face was obscured, but that was you, wasn't it? A tall person hiding in the back row? So I slept a little easier that night. And maybe you will be there in a fortnight. And maybe it will be different in person? I know I do have people -- relatives -- that I too have blocked on facebook, whom I would still be pleasant to in real life. Here's hoping it's the same for us, eh? Who knows.
It's your birthday soon, but I don't think I should send you a card? Is that the way the wind's blowing? But perhaps I will take one with me, and we shall see how we go.
I have been putting off buying my ticket. I had my excuses, but that's all they were. So now that all of this is out there, I should just buy my ticket, whilst I still have chance, and then face the music as it comes.
With love and God bless,
your fellow type 4 neurodivergent, your
INFP Bapti-costal, the older woman in your life,
Elizabeth x
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* something I made up. I probably mis-named the levels, but
Level 7 -- do not speak unless spoken to
Level 6 -- visibly annoyed but still at least
trying to make conversation
Level 5 -- annoyed/overstimulated but mostly hiding it
leaving
Level 4 -- pretty chill
and
Levels 0-3 -- various degrees of understimulated.
** I didn't, for the record. My darling, I would never. But I know why you think I did.
*** We didn't
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ETA, 31st July
You're here! So lovely to see you! And you're not mad at me! But I'm still looking at you with awe and love and I have no idea what to do or say next! I don't know how to be around you...
Also, you're saying now you're older than me??
8 years older than me?? I'm struggling to believe that tbh...
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